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Colors Burn Into My Eyes

I am young and I am naive, but I can’t help it.  I’m in love with you just as much as I’m in love with California’s cool fall winds at 3 AM.  Strokes from my fountain pen are fluid and leave trails of ink.  They remind me of my fingers sliding up your thighs while my nails leave red marks on your silky soft skin.  Every time I lick my lips I’m reminded of how lonely they are.  They constantly crave yours…you and those pillows of lust.  

Just cut me down and take my temperature

I’m not feeling so hot

Because when life decisions leave me unsure

I just want to know I fought. 

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I am going to explode. There’s no way I can keep this up. Shit just keeps piling on and on and I can’t help but feel like everything in my life is going to shit. $500 wasted. Like seriously!?!? I am so disappointed in myself. After hiking and drinking today I got home and passed out. I barely remember dinner or getting home. I ended up waking up at 9:47 pm and freaked out because I had work at 9:45 so I was going to be late for work at my new job. I rushed to grab all my things and jumped in the car. My parents have two cars, both of which are usually parked in the garage. So when I didn’t see the other car in the garage I assumed my dad wasn’t home. So in my hurry I opened the garage and reversed. It was dark outside and I backed out kind of fast. Unfortunately for me, my dad’s new car was parked outside right behind the car I was driving. It left two smallish dents which isn’t that bad to be honest but it sucks. My dad wants it fixed and the insurance deductible is $500. Of course it’s my fault so I have to pay for it but I’m so pissed! I’ve been working two jobs that total to about 45 hours a week. I’ve been busting my ass and trying to juggle all the shit that’s going on in my life and now I have to throw away a huge chunk of my hard earned money because I was too stupid to look behind me.
BUT…I am not a quitter. I will not give in. I will own my mistakes and make things right. I will pay the $500 and learn my lesson. Things have been spiraling out of control for a reason and that reason is because I’ve been allowing myself to unravel.
I hate not being in control of myself. That includes thoughts, emotions, and actions. That’s why I don’t really like smoking that much. I enjoy drinking, but lately it’s been negatively affecting me. I’m actually seriously considering not drinking anymore or at least for a while. The worst part about all of this though is the fact that I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to. I feel like I’m doing all of this alone.
But like I said I have faith in myself. This isn’t who I want to be or how I want to live my life. I want so much more. I will continue to smile when the shit hits the fan. I will be appreciative of everything my family and friends have done for me. I will continue to work hard for the life I want. Most importantly I will continue to feel like I’m worth it even when I feel ever so low and damn have I been feeling low.